Heather and I had been dating less than a year when we took a trip to Chicago in 2003 to check out the Windy City and catch the USC/Notre Dame football game. We had a great time and pledged to return one day, but we never could have imagined the circumstances that would eventually bring us back. Back then we were carefree twentysomethings quick to laugh and have a good time. This trip found us weary thirtysomethings attending a conference where Heather would be speaking about the loss of our child.
The prospect of traveling so far away on this trip had us a bit nervous as we hadn’t ventured too far into the world since April 7th, but we were quickly put at ease when we met up with many of our fellow bloggers and headed East on the “party plane.” Once at the conference we met even more awesome people, many of whom had been so supportive of us through all of this. It was so great to meet in person so many of our new friends.
While Heather was hitting the seminars during the day, I set out on my own walking about the city. I visited a Blues museum and what I call the “Married With Children” fountain:
I ate a Chicago style hot dog:
Then met up with one of my best friends from high school who now lives in Chicago and took in a Cubs’ game at the legendary Wrigley Field:
Later I had fun back at the hotel/conference…I ate deep dish pizza from Gino’s of the East with the Super Secret Pizza Party/Tweet and Eat crowd…went bowling at BowlHer…and even was allowed to gossip with Heather, Megan, and Maya late into the night as if I was at a slumber party. I couldn’t have felt more like one of the girls if we had painted our toe nails and had a pillow fight.
While we definitely had a lot of fun, it was also a hard trip. Toward the end of the conference we overheard people mentioning how excited they were to fly home and see their children, but for us our flight home brought us no closer to seeing our little girl again. The gift shop at the hotel was full of the kind of souvenirs kids go crazy for, but I had no reason to buy one even though I desperately wanted to. In the last few months before Maddie passed she would get so happy each night when I came home from work, and I just know she would have been ecstatic to see me return from a trip with a present for her.
Sometimes it is not being able to do the simple things, like buy your daughter a present and see the smile on her face when you give it to her, that hurt the most.
Sigh.
Wherever you are, little girl…daddy loves you so much.
I’m so glad you and Heather got to escape, somewhat, for a few days but it’s also heartbreaking to read this. I’m a 30-year-old Daddy’s girl, and I know somewhere you have a Daddy’s girl waiting on you too. Her eyes will light up at the sight of you again someday. A bond between Daddy and daughter can never be broken. She will forever be Daddy’s girl. You’ll always be in my prayers, both of you, but I always say a few extra prayers for you Mike. God Bless you.
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I’m so glad you both got to go, and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be to return home with those feelings. Hugs to you both.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Food, glorious food
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First I dont think I would like one of those hotdogs!lol
Second it breaks my heart that you cant have Maddie with you and Heather. I am glad that you both got to get away and be surrouned by so many people that care. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.
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I’m so glad you guys were able to have some fun on your trip. I know it must’ve been hard to return – but I’m grateful you had the chance to spend some time with a community that so loves and supports you guys.
xo from CT,
Amanda
amanda´s last blog ..July has kicked my ass
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It was so good to finally meet you. Dinner on Friday night was fun. Glad that you and Heather were able to get away, even if only for a few days. Go Astros!!!
Amazing Greis´s last blog ..3 days…
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XOXO
SusieO´s last blog ..Beware the Wild Jungle Yak
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I was wonderful to meet you and heather this weekend. Our dinner in the steakhouse was on of the highlights of my weekend – I like it when the blogs I read and the stories I follow become real. I send you and heather hugs.
Christina´s last blog ..The big city
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Oh… that hot dog. I love hot dogs… but that one… not looking good.
I’m glad you enjoyed your trip, though. And welcome home. I wish it were a happier return.
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I’ve never been to Chicago but would love to go. I pray that everything goes smoothly with the new baby, and that you and Heather will have someone to buy one of those silly souvenirs for once again come the New Year. It will still be incomplete, though, I know … because you should be buying two souvenirs. We all send congratulations and love and hope for your second baby (you are an amazing father who deserves children in his home) and continued love and support for your first.
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That looks like the most disgusting hot dog I’ve ever seen. Can you even taste the actual meat?
I’m so sorry that your trip was tinged with so much sadness. I still think of you and Heather each and every day and I am always praying for some level of peace for you.
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I have to reinforce your choice with the hotdog. I almost left a post for Heather when she was writing about the Chi-Town pizza last week – the hotdogs are the unique food of this great town. And while I agree it looks like a train wreck, there is no better hotdog anywhere – what’s not to love about anything that includes two fat jalaepenos?
I hope you have a balance of good memories of your weekend with all the pain that goes with missing Maddie. Take good care and know that your words (and Heather’s) matter to a lot of people, we care about you and we will always honor your love for Maddie.
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Sounds like you a had a much needed getaway. I’m not exactly a “mommy-blogger” so I don’t really understand the whole Blogher thing but it sounds like fun was had by all who went. Even if you wandered the city most the time (which is what I would have done) and stayed up gossiping with the girls (sounds like you have more girlfriends than me). I can see how it would be a bummer going home, considering the circumstances. Keep your chin up.
Rachel´s last blog ..Older and Wiser
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I’m so glad that you and Heather enjoyed your trip to Chicago. I’m sorry that the return home was not what you wish it could be. Just know that you, Heather, and Maddie are in the thoughts of many people who send their love.
Jen´s last blog ..Mmmmm…Spicy, Buttery Shrimp!
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Mike, I am very happy that you both went to Chicago! I know that it was very hard for you, but I think you need to take steps like this. Your baby girl is waiting for you, and you will see her again when it is time, not that those words are any comfort to you right now. Please know that you are forever in my heart and prayers. As I wrote to Heather, Maddie is with you now and always, and I am sure she is with little Binky right now too! She is probably telling this baby all about what amazing parents you both are! Love, Patty
Patty´s last blog ..I’m BAAAAAACK!!!
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Getting out and getting away is such a huge first step. For us, we couldn’t be at home and we traveled alot that first year. It was the going home that caused pain. But it’s essentially the same thing. You got out of your safe space.
You and Heather are the greatest gift you could ever have given your daughter. That smile? Was for you. And not some gift shop trinket.
JennK´s last blog ..Well adjusted.
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It was really cool to have you both there again like last year. There’s nothing I can really say about missing Maddie except that we’re always listening when you want to say it.
You’re still a great daddy even though Maddie’s not here to reap the benefits.
Stefanie´s last blog ..BlogHer
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that hot dog looks so wrong, but yet so right!
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You and my husband seem a lot alike. He’s always the one guy in a room full of women and is just so comfortable. In fact, several of my girlfriends spend time with him one on one: lunch, movies, etc. You’re an amazing man, Mike. Heather, Maddie, and New Baby Spohr are so lucky to have you.
Notesfromthegrove´s last blog ..Toto, I don’t think it’s Christmas anymore.
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Wow, I was doing ok reading your post until your very last line…Now I’m sitting at my desk at work trying to hide the river of tears…. You’re right, it is the little things that are the worst sometimes. We all still think about you guys and Maddie every single day. I was watching Big Brother last night and they had these beautiful purple flowers (like the ones on the background of your twitter page) and all I could think about was Maddie
(((Hugs)))
Dana
Dana Zap´s last blog ..Sun, Jul 19, 2009
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Glad to see your entry, as always. You and Heather are such good writers that your entries make me feel like I know you. You are both very special people and great parents.
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i have been thinking about you and heather all weekend. i hoped you were having fun in chicago (such a great town!) but also knowing it would be hard, especially the return. i think about you and heather and maddie every day, and my heart still, and will always, aches for you. we are all here listening, whenever you both want to talk. and i, am always, sending you lots of love and hugs. xo
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That hotdog is a masterpiece. But maybe one of the modern art masterpieces where nothing makes sense and everything is in the wrong place. But still: dang.
I’m so glad you all got to get away to Chicago, though it was bittersweet and Heather had such a headache. You all are amazing.
The Mother Tongue´s last blog ..Puzzle pieces at BlogHer
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Chicago is the best town ever, so much to do, so little time…..the hot dog looked disgusting by the way, to each his own I guess. Glad you guys got away, it made me happy that you did. Hope it was a good trip and that you both feel recharged and I REALLY hope that Heather didn’t eat one of those hot dogs, yikes!
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I’m glad you both went. I wish I could have been there to give you both a great big giant hug. And in case I haven’t yet said this to you directly, Congratulations.
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She loves you too…
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Mike, you are by far one of the best male roomates I ever had. So quiet, and not smelly. I am so happy you joined Heather. And next year, it will be in New york- you will be coming again, and then…. then, you will be able to buy something from the gift shop.
We love you guys.
maya´s last blog ..Get to Know Gemini-Girl (Blogher ‘09)
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I know it must’ve been really weird (and very difficult at times) to be there, but I’m so glad you came. And I’m glad I got to meet you for 5 seconds at BowlHer & give you a hug. Wish I’d gotten the chance to spend more time with both you & Heather. (Totally jealous of the secret pizza party, btw – I spent 3 days in Chicago and had exactly zero slices of pizza. No fair.)
cindy w´s last blog ..my little BlogHer recap
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Your story breaks my heart every single day. You and your wife are truly inspirational, and you had a beautiful little girl who will always be with you, and in the hearts of so many, forever and ever and ever. I’m so sorry. Your loss is more then heartbreaking.
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I am so sorry that your lives are so full of bitter/sweets. I think about you and your family often and hope with all of my heart that you all find some peace. Every time I see the March of Dimes I give for Maddie and her beautiful smile.
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I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I am a Daddy’s Girl (i.e. a DG in EVERY way) and I lost my beloved father ten years ago. I, too, used to light up when he came home. I’d give anything to see him again. I wish he would visit my dreams.
I know that pain, and I’m sorry you bear it. You and Heather are always in my thoughts.
suitablegirl´s last blog ..In Memory of Magnificent Madeline
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I’m so sorry there were such difficult parts of the weekend, but I loved being able to hang out with you and Heather, and so many others. I’m so glad you went. Much love to you, every day.
Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..The Comfort Zone
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now that is one hell of a dog … my gosh! I bet it was heart burn city! I am one of those glas that will eat anthing once … so I guess this one will have to be on my list!
I am glad you and Heather got away, read her post hate that she had a headache … please know that I am praying for both of you! Praying that even though it will never go away that it will get easier to venture out.
I know that Maddie was with both of you, I know she didn’t miss a beat and I KNOW that she never will, nor will you or Heather. She will love forever with you and that my friend is what brings tears to my eyes. Much love and many prayers!
MBKimmy´s last blog ..I’m Praying … are YOU?!
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Hugs, hugs, hugs.
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Wrigley Field?! *squee*
I left some over at Heather’s too, but… xoxoxoxo. A hug and a kiss each for you, Heather, Maddie, and Binky.
Alison´s last blog ..Gred and Forge
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Just wanted to say hi and let you know how much I enjoyed having super secret pizza with you and watching you kick my ass at bowling. You guys are simply the best, and even before I had the chance to meet you and revel in your friendliness, I thought of you and Heather often and I’ll continue to for as long as I can.
Hope to see you around Los Angeles sometime soon. It’s not like it’s a big city or anything.
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I am so befuddled by men who think that when women get together in a slumber-like way, we have pillow fights. It isn’t like the movies! Promise!
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I don’t even like hot dogs, but that one looks delicious! I might actually eat one like that! I know Maddie was right there with both of you the whole time. Hugs to you and Heather.
Rachel´s last blog ..Do You Have A Good Soup Recipe?
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mike, i think i am writing here for the first time, tho i have been reading for a few weeks now… i am so so very sorry for the heartbreak you carry in the loss of your gorgeous amazing maddie. i hear in your words, and feel in them something i always knew but didnt truly understand about how much my dad loved me.
he died when i was 34 years old. and although our griefs are not the same, i go thru the “little things” missing that you are talking about. it is hard to lose someone you love, but i would like to thank you for having this blog out here to share with us…you seem a lot like my dad (musician and named MIKE, too) and i imagine had he kept a blog when i was little, it would sound an awful lot like your words of how much you love your maddie.
it is not much of a comfort for me to think this, or maybe for you to hear ~ but i am going to say it anyway as i feel a little bit lead by the spirit with this image in my heart ~~~ i hope maybe our loves (my dad and your sweet little maddie) have crossed paths in heaven and i hope maybe my dad would have sang a song for maddie and maybe he could get a hug and a laugh from her, as some kind of cosmic exchange for a daddy who misses his little girl so much and a daddy’s girl who would do anything for a hug from her dad…
much love to you,
gypsygrrl
gypsygrrl´s last blog ..uhm. i was on a roll…
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I read you and Heather’s blog and I am always left in tears. I know everyone must say, ” I cannot imagine losing a child ” but I really connot. Reading your blog brings me as close to losing a child as I ever want to be.
You have such a way with words and expressing yourself. Your blogs are a gift to so many.
I hope this doesn’t sound empty but your Maddie does know that daddy misses her and loves her more than anything.
Please know how often I pray for you and your family.
You are never alone.
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