I was thinking this weekend about how incredibly different my life is now that I’m a dad, and how there are things we do as parents that, had we done them when we were childless, would have been interpreted very differently.
EXAMPLE #1:
“When a Dad lifts up a baby and sniffs its crotch…he is checking to see if the baby needs a diaper change.”
“When a childless dude lifts up a baby and sniffs its crotch…the police need to be alerted.”
EXAMPLE #2:
“When a Dad washes clothes covered in vomit it is because…his child has been spitting up.”
“When a childless dude washed clothes covered in vomit it is because…he drank too much watching the weekend’s football game.”
EXAMPLE #3:
“When a Mom walks down the street early in the morning wearing a shirt that is inside out…it is because she is exhausted from feeding her baby all night.”
“When a childless woman walks down the street early in the morning wearing a shirt that is inside out…it is because she is performing the walk of shame.”
EXAMPLE #4:
“When a Dad has can after can of baby formula in his cabinet…it is because his baby likes to eat.”
“When a childless dude has can after can of baby formula in his cabinet…it is because he uses it to cut drugs.”
EXAMPLE #5:
“When a Dad buys tiny outfits…he is purchasing clothes for his child.”
“When a childless man buys tiny clothes…he is either a midget, has a secret doll collection, or dresses his Maltese in outfits he prays his dude pals never know about.”
EXAMPLE #6:
“When a Dad has a pacifier in his pocket…it is so he can give it to his baby when she/he gets fussy.”
“When a childless man has a pacifier in his pocket…he is en route to a rave where he will suck on it so he won’t grind his teeth while tripping on Ecstasy.”
EXAMPLE #7:
“When you are a dad and you pull up by a school at three p.m…you are there to pick up your kid.”
“When you are a childless man and pull up to a school at three p.m….see number one.”
EXAMPLE #8:
“When you are a Dad who gets stared at by women as you walk through the mall…it is because you have your baby in a bjorn.”
“When you are a childless guy who gets stared at as you walk through the mall…it is because you are Jared Leto.”
EXAMPLE #9:
“When you are a Dad you have fruit juices in your fridge because…your baby needs help dealing with constipation.”
“When you are a childless and have fruit juices in your fridge…it is for mixers.”
EXAMPLE #10:
“When you are a Dad your most prized possession in your wallet…is a photo of your baby.”
“Where you are a childless man your most prized possession in your wallet…is a condom!”
Fabuloso! Dude how long did that take to put together. So funny and so true. Errr, of course I can exclude number 1 and 7 from my resume, well at least it’s been long enough that it doesn’t show up on my record anymore.
Surfer Jays last blog post..
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Things do change, don’t they? I liked the extra attention I got with the Bjorn, even though it was all directed at the Babito. Better than taking an adorable puppy for a walk.
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Number 7 just made me feel all icky.
Middle-Aged-Womans last blog post..I Want to Have the Coen Bros. Baby(s)
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Well put and too true.
Ms. Moons last blog post..Have They No Shame?
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Sooooo funny – what a great way to start my week -
Thanks for the laughs
Jamies last blog post..Oh, the (Buckeye) Misery ~
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Very true.
Kristins last blog post..Friends: Lost and Found
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True… so very true! Thanks for the Monday morning smile!
gins last blog post..Les préservatifs
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True, true. I think you should add those to your stand up routine!
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Oh I just loved that!
It’s so good to see/read a Man’s view.
I enjoy your site!
Lindas last blog post..Auntie Em
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So true, it’s kinda eerie! LOL
Ya, number 7 creeped me out a little. LOL
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Childless dudes wash clothes covered in vomit? I thought they just throw them out and call it good.
Great list!
Kates last blog post..People DO that?
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Great list! Working at a college, I get to see the walk of shame a lot on the drive in.
Jims last blog post..The Party
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How about finding yourself driving a mini-van when you’re a dad, something you’d sworn you’d never do when you were childless.
Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Got Ink?
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If only someone would write THAT manual for new parents. My favorite was the “walk of shame”…love that. Never did it though. nope, never. ha.
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mmm…Jared Leto.
sorry..got distracted for a second there. should be..mmm…daddy with a baby. heh.
alis last blog post..because i’m the mom and i said so.
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Cutting drugs with baby formula…brilliant. Must share that tip with my dealer.
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Number five killed me! Seriously, Mike, I’m too pregnant to laugh this hard.
jennis last blog post..From "Nononono" to "No thank you mother, I would not like another grape."
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So very true !! Children change everything – forever!! LOVED this post
~Susan
Susans last blog post..Rainy day daydreaming
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All very funny but I’d have to say 4 was by far my favorite. I never ever knew that baby formula had uses other then feeding babies.
WMs last blog post..A little linky love is all you need
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I thought fruit juice leads to constipation, not helps it. Have I been wrong all these years? Great list!
Marinkas last blog post..If My Kids Had a Blog (and Spell Check)
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I just found your site through AMomTwoBoys, fun stuff. Great post and I’m sure my daddy friends would totally agree.
Amazing Greis…s last blog post..IKE in the Media – Enough Already…
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Totally grind my teeth on ecstasy. But I don’t think a soother (that’s what we call them) would help, because it’s the back teeth. I’m grinding them right now, thinking about it.
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Oh my goodness, so true to all the above!! Especially #3, my personal favorite. I’ve been on both sides of that coin! (oops, did I really write that??)
HeatherPrides last blog post..Ike, You are One Sneaky S.O.B.
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Soooo funny and true Mike!!!!!
Thanks for the laughs!
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I have a feeling you’ve been on both sides of #6.
Loris last blog post..Are you trying to insult me?
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