2009 May archive at The Newborn Identity

Archive for May, 2009

May

My Sweet Baby

By Mike 127 Comments

Categories: Basic Training

Yesterday I wrote a song about Maddie and recorded a one track demo of it.

My Sweet Baby

If I were older
Your head on my shoulder
Then I wouldn’t be so blue

And if I were younger
‘Fore you were put under
I would just kiss and kiss on you

But now, now I am broken
This world has spoken
It took you away

Now, now I am broken
My one golden token
Has been taken away

My sweet baby

And if I were dead
And we met overhead
I would never let you go

But now, now I am broken
This world has spoken
It took you away

Now, now I am broken
My one golden token
Has been taken away

My sweet baby

My sweet baby
My sweet baby
My sweet baby…

May

Update

By Mike 99 Comments

Categories: Daily Briefing

Hi Everyone,

A great many people expressed worry and concern for me since reading Heather’s post, “Pieces,” so I decided to write a quick explanation of what happened to me.

Last Thursday I went back to work for the first time since Maddie passed. In the back of my mind I feared it was too soon, but I had heard about people in similar situations who had gone back to work after four or five weeks so I thought I could to. Also my company, boss, and co-workers have been so amazing and would (and did indeed) try to welcome me back as kindly as possible. Unfortunately, on the drive over I was gripped by anxiety and couldn’t stop thinking about Maddie.

Upon arriving at my job (forty-five minutes from our home) I was a weeping mess. I looked up at my building and couldn’t summon the strength to go in, so I called my Dad. I spoke with him on the phone for close to two hours until my cell phone died. I considered driving home right then, but instead went inside.

After about an hour of work I went to lunch with some co-workers and made the stupid decision to have a couple margaritas. This only plummeted me into a deeper depression, so after lunch I told everyone I was going to go home. The forty-five minute drive home was terrible and my mood spiraled lower and lower. I’m sure other drivers were weirded out to see me screaming, weeping, and punching the dashboard.

Once at home I made another stupid decision – to continue drinking. Soon I had ingested way more rum than any human ever should. Unnerved by what I’d done, I called my parent’s and asked them to come over. Upon arriving they found me in a terrible state, and shortly thereafter, when Heather and her Mom returned from running errands, the four of them decided it would be best to take me to the emergency room.

I don’t remember much that happened at the emergency room, but apparently I told numerous doctors and nurses that I wanted to die. That folks, is something you should NEVER DO in public. Trust me on this. In my case it got me transferred upstairs to the psychiatric ward where, for the next five days, I had to eat steak with a plastic spoon, shave with the bathroom door open and a nurse standing guard, and to live in close quarters with an assortment of the saddest, most mentally ill people you could ever imagine.

The hardest thing was that, in order to be discharged, I had to prove to doctors and nurses that I wasn’t a threat to myself or others, and every minute there I was judged on my sanity. The nurses wrote down how I interacted with my fellow patients, how much of the food I ate, what I said in group meetings, you name it. Often I couldn’t help but cry when I thought of Madeline, but I quickly wiped my tears in fear that this might make the nurses or doctors think I truly was suicidal. It was frightening. I started to think of movies like “Girl, Interrupted” where the main character gets locked away far longer than they deserve to be, but nothing they can say or do can convince the powers that be to let them go.

In the end I was finally let out today. It was a harrowing ordeal and I am very glad to be home, but I am trying to focus on the positive aspects of all of this. I participated in a number of therapy groups – some that helped me discuss my grief in ways I hadn’t before, and others that taught me how drinking isn’t a healthy way to address Maddie’s death.

Starting today I am going to focus on doing absolutely everything I can to put my life together and figure out how Heather and I can make a life for ourselves after our sweet Maddie’s passing.

~Mike

May

MY BEST DAY EVER

By Mike 92 Comments

Categories: Daily Briefing

The greatest day of my life was the one when Maddie was born and came out crying with a shock of (ephemeral) dark hair ala her old man.

Then when she came home from the NICU after 68 days clad in an adorable dress and I said, “Holy cow! I have a little girl living in my home! Can I move an inch to the left? To the right? What can I do to make all cool with my tiny little angel?” I eventually figured this out.

Then on Father’s Day last year when I held her in my arms and gave her thousands of kisses.

Then when she had her second Christmas up North and opened presents with her mom, dad, cousins and grandparents. And Daddy kissed her a million times. She was so happy…

Then in Arizona this March - if you look hard enough you can find a video where she LOVES her cousins for jumping from bed to bed in the hotel room. She so WANTED to be like them…after she died her four-year-old cousin asked me about Maddie being “lost” and how we could find her and I had to just walk away.

Perhaps the best day was one of the ones during our last weekend together. Those were great. I will have to figure out where those fit into the ratings.

But you know what? The best day of my life was every one of those seventeen months I was blessed to know her. Every day was the best, clearly, because every day without her is so awful. Sorry if that is depressing…anyway….moving on…

My life with Heather before Maddie was pretty awesome too….the day we met…our wedding day….on a beach in Fiji on our Honeymoon, etc. Damn…our ETC’s were pretty kick ass.

ANYHOO…

If you take Heather and Maddie out of things the best day ever to happen to me NOT INCLUDING MADDIE AND HEATHER is surprisingly…

…NOT…

A) The first time I had sex. Sorry, Miss (not to be named). You were cool and all, but still not the best moment ever.

B) Hitting the first home run in my high school’s history. It was awesome, yes, and when my teammates mobbed me at home plate afterward it was a great moment. Still…eh.

C) Hearing I got into USC film school…this is tainted by the fact that despite beating out 99% of applicants only one of my 24 classmates is actually making a living as a filmmaker.

SO WHAT WAS THE BEST DAY EVER EXCLUDING MY FAMILY?

The best day of my life was when the Beatles’ Anthology played on TV back in 1995 and they debuted the reunion track “Free as a Bird.” For those who don’t know, Paul, George and Ringo took a demo John had recorded in his home in the late Seventies prior to being murdered and finished it in the studio in the early Nineties. The resulting track blew me away. To hear a new Beatles song as a dude born five years after they broke up was amazing. To hear a new Beatles’ track 15 years after John was even more amazing!

Now I know many people dissed the song because John’s voice was distant (since he recorded it on a tape recorder alone in his room before he died) or because the song just wasn’t what they hoped for… but I loved it. Making a “NEW BEATLES SONG!” twenty-five years after the band broke up and 15 years after John died was a tall order, but I loved it from Ringo’s opening drum fill to the silly ukelele ending. No, it was not as catchy as their earlier stuff…but they all had grown more pensive as time went on and they were older. Honestly, I didn’t want to hear “Love Me Do” from John at forty and the other lads in their fifties. What we heard was them as they were at the time…older men who saw life wasn’t all “yeah, yeah, yeah.” Ringo drummed awesome, George played slide guitar as no one has since, and Paul did what Paul does…added sublime harmonies and bass and piano and guitar and who knows what else.

Anyhoo…despite this song’s grungy and sad tone it never struck me as sad…just joyful. This was the Beatles’ reunion! Anyway, recently I heard it again and it finally struck me how sad this song was.

The verses John wrote were about someone discussing how wonderful home and family was, but clearly he was a bird (metaphorically) far away from home.

And then the bridge written by Paul and George arrives:

“Whatever happened to the life that we once knew?
Can we really live without each other?
Where did we lose the touch?
It seemed to mean so much
Always made me feel so…free as a bird”

When I heard this again I couldn’t help but cry. The joy was gone.

“Whatever happend to the life that we once knew? Can we really live without each other?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know what happened to the life we once knew, and I don’t know how I can live without Maddie. It did always make me feel so free…