Archive for September, 2008



23
Sep

Thinner

One of the problems of being a married couple where both partners blog is that sometimes we both want to talk about the same thing. This is tough though because many of our readers read both of our sites, and we don’t want to bore them with a repeat of the same events. Today was a big day for Maddie though, and a frustrating one, so as hard as I tried to think of something else to write about I couldn’t.

Then it occured to me.  ”Wait a minute!” I thought. ”This could totally be like Rashoman (a Japanese film where the same story is told from many different perspectives). People could read Heather’s post, then read mine and get another perspective on what is up with my little Mooseroni Chicken Muffin Love Bear!

So that’s what we’re doing. If the repetition bores you please email me, and as an apology I will email you an awesome photo of Willie Mays making his legendary from behind catch in centerfield. Not a Giants’ fan? No worries! Willie Mays is so awesome that even Dodgers’ fans can appreciate his famous catch!

SOOOO….ever since Maddie’s last appointment with our attractive Asian pediatrician who has totally touched my junk, we have, on her orders, tried to fatten Maddie up. Doc told us to raise her caloric intake and feed her more each day. We worked really hard at doing this, and, today, I was very much expecting to place Maddie on the scale at her other doctor’s office and be told that she had gained like, I dunno, eighty pounds or something. Or at least two. But…instead I was told she had gained around a couple balls of cotton.

This, as you can imagine, depressed me greatly.

The doc and nurse had ideas. Add rice cereal to her formula, blend up avocado (or even the baby food that Maddie WON’T eat normally) and put it in her formula. Hopefully these things will work.

The thing is a couple days ago I brought Maddie into bed with Heather and I, and as we were kissing and hugging our little angel, Heather said “Woah.  Touch here. You can feel her rib cage.” That freaked me out at the time, but I was like “No worries. We have been feeding the crap out of her! She must be gaining weight!” She clearly hasn’t been though, and the reason, the doc says, is because she burns so many calories fighting to breathe. As a preemie we were told her lungs were so messed up that she would likely die, but she didn’t, and has in fact thrived, but she still fights twice as hard as every other baby to breath. This is heartbreaking, but with a kid who smiles so much you have to imagine she is pretty happy…tough breathing and all.

Anyhoo…I don’t want to freak people out…the doc and nurse weren’t crazy alarmed, just concerned, and said they will have a nutritionist contact us tomorrow. All I can say is that I wish Maddie was more than a quarter Portuguese, because Daddy at 50% and Grandma at 100% have no problem gaining weight! I know that in the end the fat genes I supplied my little one will kick in and make things alright!

21
Sep

CRY BABY!

Not all days can be good. We as adults know this is true because, mixed in with the memory of the day we had our first kiss is the one where we crapped our pants at school and got laughed at/beaten up.

Now some of you may have had both of those things happen on the same day, but if that’s the case you must be insanely good looking, because really, I don’t think there is anyone hot enough on this planet to coax someone into a first kiss with dirty pants. Maybe Brad Pitt or Kerri Walsh. Wait…as much as I like Kerri Walsh I am running away from her if she heads my way all puckered up with dirty pants.

But I digress…in a weird, disturbing sort of way.

Let us return to my original point which was that we all have bad days, but for the most part, since leaving the hospital,  my beloved little Mooseroni Chicken Muffin Love Bear has only had good ones. (Yes, for those who have been paying attention, Maddie’s nickname has indeed gotten longer).

This weekend, however, Maddie was NOT happy. She had a bad day on Saturday:

Heather was working the Dodgers/Giants game at Dodger stadium and offered to take Maddie to work with her so I could watch the game from the stands with my pal Kanon and his bro who was visiting from Hawaii.

Anyhoo…about ten minutes before the game began, as I was about to lay into a feast of a spicy hot dog, garlic fries, and giant beer, Heather suddenly appeared before me looking frazzled and with her headset still on her head.

Heather then thrust Maddie at me who looked more like THE EXORCIST than my lil’ angel. Maddie had tears streaming down her face and was screaming louder than if Manny had hit a homer.

“I CANNOT work with Maddie acting like this!” Heather cried, “Can you please take her?”

I nodded and le bebe was shoved into my arms. I quickly set down my beer, dog, and garlic fries, and stuck a bottle of formula into Maddie’s mouth. She soon calmed as she ate and listened to me sing a song I sing at home that calms her, but one I never thought I’d ever sing in public.

Witness the lyrics of embarrassment:

“Chicken Muffin Love/Chicken Muffin Love/Chicken Muffin, chicken muffin, chicken muffin love/YOU’RE SO CUTE TO ME…Mooseroni/YOU’RE SO CUTE TO ME/AHA!!!! (And repeat…)

Thankfully, Maddie eventually calmed down. I then looked up and saw that everyone was looking at me like I was a freak. None of their glares affected me, however, because as a Dad I was impervious.

To the cute girls glaring at me…I’m married, bitches!

To the men giving me the stink-eye…I am a Giants’ fan, and that likely would disgust you FAR more my little song to my adorable baby!

ANYHOO….

Public humiliation is okay with me as long as by the end of the weekend my little girl was back to looking like this:

18
Sep

FOOT. IN. MOUTH.

One of the hardest things in life is understanding that what goes on in your mind is not broadcast to those around you. As a result people sometimes say things that make sense to them, but to others? Not so much. I do this a lot, I am sorry to say, because I am a yapper. Recently I have made an ass of myself way more often than I care to admit, but I need something to blog about, so I will admit it.

Here are a couple of my greatest foot in mouth moments of late:

FOOT IN MOUTH!

#1: Canadian musician Ron Sexsmith is one of the world’s greatest songwriters. His most famous song is probably “Secret Heart” which has been covered by Feist and Rod Stewart among others. Anyhoo…despite being a freaking genius…he is not ALL that famous, more than likely because he looks more like the courier he once was than the rock star he is now. This is fun for me though because I get to stand ten feet away from him at his concerts, and I always wait around afterward to say hello to him. Someone recently told me that is creepy and stalkerish, so I’m not sure I will do it anymore. Of course if I don’t say hello again it will likely have more to do with the the fact that the last time I spoke to him I put my foot in mouth BIG TIME.

Oh! And here is a pic of Ron!

RON!!!!

Let me stage the scene…

Ron and I were chatting and he seemed happy with what I was saying because I was basically telling him he is a genius and stuff (and who doesn’t like being told they are a genius?) Anyway, I was about to shove off – all happy with myself because our chat went so well – when I decided to part with the following:

Me: “Well, Ron, it was a great show and it was great chatting with you. Before I go though I want to tell you something sort of funny real quick (mistake! mistake!). There are two musicians in the world I love more than anyone else. You and Paul McCartney.”

Ron (excited): “Really?  Me and Paul?”

Me: “Yup. And when I told my wife I was going to see one of you tonight she was glad to hear it was you and not Paul, because your tickets cost like two hundred bucks less!”

Ron – who by the way is one of the nicest people on the planet – forced an awkward smile.

Me (digging a hole): “Because his shows are way more expensive! Because he’s really famous and stuff!”

Ron: “Yeah, yeah, he is. I’m really proud of my new album though. Of course it might be getting too late to finally break out, but -”

Me: “No, no, no…listen…”

Ron: “Thanks for coming.”

Ron pats me on the back and slumps off, depressed. I search the room for a rope to hang myself with. Insulting your hero?  Not so cool.

#2:Last night Heather and I went out with some awesome bloggers…my BFF (inside joke, sorry) Meghan and her awesome sister in law, Jen, Nanette, and Merlot Mom. Long story short…we were at a bar with free drinks because Primo Water wanted to tell us about their awesome, eco friendly water. One of the gals they hired to tell us about their product (Heather…don’t get mad….I love you!!!) was ga-ga-gorgeous. She looked like Shannon Doherty at twenty-two but way better, and Shannon was a looker, y’all.

My wife is prettier, I know, but nonetheless I was chatting with this very attractive gal (Becky? Beth?) and was totally having a great convo with her.

Listen to my smooth ass: “You are so beautiful you must be an actress or model when you’re not doing this.”

The girl smiled. I then looked over at Heather who shook her head, amused. She was like “Oh, look at my fat hubby try to talk to a girl.”

ANYHOO…the girl then said she was an actress, so I said…and again I must repeat that it was funny in my mind…I said, “Well, you must be a terrible actress because you are way too beautiful not to be getting work.”

That’s funny, right? No?

Anger flashed in her eyes before she waved goodbye all sassy and walked off. I  slumped over to Heather who patted me on the back and told me that she thinks I am adorable in how inept I am with the ladies. We then had this conversation:

Me: “How the F did I ever get you to dig me? You be the bomb and what not and I must have said something lame to you in the beginning.”

Heather; “Yeah, you did. But I let it slide because I thought you were hot.”

Me: “Really? Hot?”

Heather nodded. I shook my head.

Me: “Nah, YOU ARE!”

Heather: “No, YOU ARE!”

Me:”No, YOU ARE!”

And on and on. We are kinda obnoxious that way.

Speaking of Heather, she said I can’t post this until I mention my all time number one foot in mouth. It was at a party at her place way back when, one of the first times we met, and I was chatting with her friend, Hardcore (a girl…that’s just her nickname).

Heather – although she will never admit it – couldn’t give a shizzat about me because some rich and handsome doctor she met somewhere was there (blah, blah, vomit, blah) and she was all about him (Note: I won in the end though, so suck it rich doctor schmo!!!).

Anyway, I met this girl Hardcore and immediately blurted out, “Oh my God! You look like Carnie Wilson!” Hardcore glared at me and took off. Later, I was told, her brother was on a mission to kill me. BUT…I had just seen a special on Carnie Wilson who had just lost a crap load of weight and looked amazing! In my mind I was complimenting Hardcore, but in her mind…and probably everyone else’s…she pictured the gigantic Carnie singing on the sand next to those two skinny beeyotches. Oh well. Hardcore is now my friend…I hope! And she is still very pretty in the skinny Carnie way I meant!

Whoo. I’m tired now. From now on I will only talk to Heather (wait, I say stupid stuff to her too) and Maddie who can’t speak. And Rigby. Rigby never judges me for saying stupid stuff!