Archive for July, 2008

31
Jul

3 1/2 In Dog Years…

By Mike 32 Comments
Categories: Daily Briefing

Maddie has two birthdays. This, as you can imagine, complicates things considerably.

Maddie’s first birthday is the one that correlates to the day she was actually born…November 11th, 2007. Her second birthday relates to her “adjusted age,” and recognizes the date Maddie would have been born had everything gone according to plan and we didn’t have to deal with all of the prematurity madness. This second birthday (January 28th, 2008) is the one to look at as far as her development goes because she looks a lot more like a baby born this January than one born last year. Of course the truth is she looks small no matter which birthday you look at!

Anyhoo…I bring all this up because earlier this week Maddie turned six months old based on her “adjusted age.” This may not seem all that impressive to some folks, but the parents out in cyberspace know it’s a big deal, especially when one considers all that Maddie has gone through in her short life.

So, in honor of the World Famous Maddie Moo’s six month birthday (adjusted), I thought I’d post a few of my favorite photos of her to share with you all!

PHOTO #1: Maddie a few minutes after she was born (and not looking a thing like she does now!)

PHOTO #2: A few days after we brought her home!!!

PHOTO #3: Maddie doing her best sultry stare…look out boy babies!!! FYI…this photo was taken on January 28th…Maddie’s adjusted birthday!!!!

PHOTO #4: At her first baseball game!!!

PHOTO #5: Maddie rockin’ the piano like Billy Joel!

Piano baby!

PHOTO #6: Maddie last night!!!

HAPPY SIX MONTH BIRTHDAY (ADJUSTED), MY LITTLE CHICKEN MUFFIN LOVE BEAR!!!

XOXO, Dad

29
Jul

French Fried

By Mike 54 Comments
Categories: Daily Briefing

Maddie & her Daddy

The photo seen above was taken last night when I went to dinner with Heather, Maddie, and our pal, Dana. Maddie, because of her well documented health issues, is a tad Garbo-esque, so her making a public appearance is rare. Because of this, the paparazzi (or at least the folks at the restaurant) went plantains over her. (FYI…going plantains is like going bananas but even more so.) We were having a great time as we sat outside the restaurant drinking sangria and chatting even though every five minutes or so our discussion was interrupted by the World Famous Maddie Moo’s fans.

“How old is she?”

“What a beautiful baby!”

“What’s her name!”

Maddie smiled graciously each time, but totally sent me an annoyed glance when no one was looking that said, “Can’t I just have my privacy? I’m a baby like any other!”

Anyhoo…toward the end of the night I caught sight of this old lady in the restaurant who had a full on stalker stare locked on Maddie. I tried to ignore it and went about my dinner.

Nevertheless…

At one point – for COMEDIC EFFECT – I took a French fry off Heather’s plate and put the tip in Maddie’s mouth and announced, “Look! Maddie likes fries!”

I was joking, and, of course, was not going to let my baby eat the fry….HOWEVER…when I looked through the window at the old lady she was shaking her head and scrunching up her nose as if I had just thrown Maddie into a steaming cauldron and was adding salt to the mix while cackling like a mad man. I looked away, horrified. Heather said, “What’s that face about? Did someone give you a dirty look?” I nodded, and Heather and Dana looked inside where the old lady was now practically holding up a picket sign protesting my parenting skills.

This whole deal upset me more than it should have because of the sangria…I mean…because I pride myself on being a good dad. As time went on, however, I came to understand why she glared at me, and was so glad that she set me straight because she was totally right in judging me and my parenting skills.

So!

With no further adieu!

Here is my official letter of thanks to the old lady!

7/28/08

Dear Busy Body Old Lady:

Thank you so much for ignoring your husband your entire dinner and instead staring at my child with a creepy, blank visage for two hours. This so improved my dining experience! I also want to sincerely thank you for glaring at me as if I was a Klansman at the Democratic National Convention after I put a French fry in my daughter’s mouth. At the time I thought I was making a harmless joke, but now, thanks to you, I realize I was seconds away from grabbing all of the fries off of Heather’s plate and cramming them down my tiny baby’s throat. The more I think about it, if you hadn’t made a show of sending eye daggers my way, I might have snatched the poached salmon off of Heather’s plate as well as the skirt steak sandwich Dana was eating and crammed them down my thirteen pound baby’s throat. You know…because I am stupid…and need creepy old ladies to keep me in place.

I also want to thank you because I know that when you had a baby….way, way back when…you never did anything that could compromise your child’s health even though statistics show that the vast majority of women your age smoked cigarettes with a child in utero and thus caused many birth defects. You also likely drank when your child was cooking, something which once again has been proven by those pesky statistics. What’s that? No one told you back then that it was bad to smoke and drink as a pregnant Mom? Gee. I guess you wish there had been a busy body old bitch judging you at a restaurant back in the day in order to make you realize you were a bad mom.

Anyway, thanks again, mean old lady. You succeeded in making me feel like shit.

Sincerely,

A Dad worse than O.J. Simpson

P.S.

The following photo spread is all for you, you buzzkilling, decrepid, first night out in ages ruining bitch!!!

Mmm....fries...Can't wait to choke!

27
Jul

Maddie’s First Keg Party!!

By Mike 53 Comments
Categories: Daily Briefing

Remember when you were a college kid and on Friday nights you would stay up ALL NIGHT partying? Well, that was totally Maddie last Friday. She was all about rocking it like a college kid.

It all started around four in the afternoon when Maddie lugged a keg through our front door and screamed, “WE GONNA PAR-TAY TONIGHT, BITCHES!!!!”

Just kidding. She wasn’t THAT much of a college kid. She was, however, in a mood to stay up. Unfortunately for Maddie, her prematurely geriatric old man was ready to hit the hay at a time more befitting of a retirement home than a college campus.

Around ten I fed Maddie, administered her breathing treatments, and laid her down in her crib. As I tried to sneak out of her room, however, she turned into a drunk frat boy and bellowed, “DUDE! YOU CAN’T LEAVE YET! THE PARTY JUST STARTED!!!” She, of course, expressed this in the language of a baby, so it sounded more like: “WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” I picked her up and took her back out to the main room.

Maddie was happy as a clam…giggling and smiling. If she actually was a frat boy she’d have been pouring me another beer and slapping me on the back.

We soon settled onto the couch where I tried to rock her to sleep without rocking myself to sleep. Within minutes I nodded off. Half an hour later I awoke with a start, then looked down totally expecting to see a sleeping baby in my arms. Instead I saw this:

LET'S PAR-TAY, BITCHES!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

I rubbed my eyes as Maddie giggled and said, “Who’s on Letterman?”

Another sixty minutes passed. Letterman threw a couple pencils, Paul Schaffer jammed out on the piano, and I was incredibly tired. “Okay,” I said to myself. “I’ll definitely be able to put her down now.” I smiled and looked down. Guess what I saw?

GUESS WHO STILL WANTS TO PARTY?!?!?

Screw it, I thought. I’m putting this kid down no matter happy and wide awake she may be.

Within minutes I was in bed and snoring away, but it wasn’t to be for very long. Soon the frat boy was yelling for me to re-join the party. I swung my legs out of bed and stomped into Maddie’s room. She immediately stopped crying and looked at me as if to say, “Dude! We are totally missing Conan!”

So back to the living room we went. I flipped on the TV and tried again to rock her to sleep. Ninety minutes later Conan signed off and I looked down at Maddie. Yep, you guessed it:

THIS IS TOTALLY THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!!

I was now in hell. I was like the sober guy at the kegger where everyone was wasted.

AAAHHHWWHHOOOEEE!!!!!

Then it occurred to me…maybe I could get the little frat boy in Maddie to pass out the same way real frat boys pass out…by having one more bottle!

I hurried into the kitchen, got a bottle from the fridge, then returned to the couch where I peer pressured her into drinking it by chanting, “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” Maddie, not wanting to look like a wuss, drank the whole thing. Sure enough my little rager soon turned into this:

Crap. Dad won. Zzzzzzz...

 

 

 

 

 

I sighed, relieved, and slowly carried Maddie into her room. After setting her down in her crib I gave her a kiss and whispered, “Don’t worry, little one. I may not have been in the mood to party tonight, but you and I are going to live it up plenty. I promise.”

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