Archive for June, 2008

30
Jun

PART ONE: The Amazing Story of Madeline Alice’s Birth!

When Maddie was born more than eleven weeks premature I wrote an account of the day she was born and the horrifying, emotionally wrenching days that followed. For the next seven days I will post here the story of how this amazing little girl defied the odds and survived when none of her doctors thought she would.

PART ONE begins ten weeks after Heather had been put on bed rest because her water had broke prematurely, and three weeks after she had been hospitalized.

On my ledge/bedThe day Madeline was born started not unlike those of the previous two weeks Heather and I had spent at the hospital. I woke on the tiny bench-like ledge I was using as a bed, ate the bagel from Heather’s breakfast tray, and chatted with Heather about how she felt. That morning Heather had tenderness in her abdomen, and the amniotic fluid that she had been leaking for weeks was becoming redder in color. This may sound hard to believe, but Heather had been having alarming symptoms for so long without having to deliver that neither one of us was as concerned as, say, the average person would be if they woke up with red stuff leaking from their basement area. Soon our obstetrician dropped by to do an exam of Heather’s cervix, and, after declaring it in good shape, took off with plans to stop by again tomorrow. It seemed like we would make it through another day.

Around noon my parents dropped by to say goodbye as they were heading back to their home in the San Francisco Bay Area. Once my parents bid Heather adieu it was decided they would drop me off at my place for a much needed shower, and then I would come back to spend the rest of the day with Heather. Before we got home, however, my Mom suggested we stop for lunch, so we went to a Deli where I ordered an onion omelet and split an impulsive order of a sardine sandwich with my Dad. As you may imagine, my breath was hardly minty-fresh afterwards, and I knew that I would have to brush my teeth thoroughly before returning to Heather whose pregnancy had made her very sensitive of smells.

After lunch my parents came up to Heather and my place to use the bathroom. Minutes after getting inside the phone rang. It was a frantic Heather who cried, “They’re going to do a C-section! Come back to the hospital now!” My parents, who thankfully hadn’t left for home yet, raced out with me leaving our dog Rigby wondering what was up with our two minute visit. As my Dad drove to the hospital as fast as possible I was glad I didn’t have to drive because my hands were shaking and I was unable to think straight. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Though the doctors were shocked that we had almost made it to twenty-nine weeks, Heather and I were still hoping/thinking we would get to at least 30 weeks.

As we neared the hospital I realized that A) I had not showered and smelled like a homeless man during the summer, and B) my breath stank of onions and sardines. I immediately imagined leaning over Heather in the delivery room and breathing, “You’re doing great! You can do this!” and her screaming “GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” Realizing I had to do something and fast, I commandeered every piece of gum in the car, and began chewing a giant wad of wintergreen/spicy peppermint/Bazooka Joe gum.

Here we go!!!Once I arrived at Heather’s side she told me that her leaking amniotic fluid had suddenly turned thick and bright red a half- hour earlier. When she told her nurse about this she was informed within minutes that she would be having a C-section ASAP. Everything was happening incredibly fast. Soon the anesthesiologist arrived and I held Heather’s hand as he inserted the needle into her back for the epidural. Heather didn’t seem to be in too much pain, although she did wonder out loud who the hell came up with this pregnancy idea in the first place. The nurses then wheeled Heather away and left me to change into scrubs. I took the scrubs into the bathroom and began to change. I must have been taking too long though because a nurse soon knocked on the door and bellowed that I didn’t have to take off all my clothes and that I could just put the scrubs on over what I had on. I called out “Yeah, I know that,” then looked at my stark naked body in the mirror.

Once clad in my scrubs (with the clothes I had come in hastily thrown back on underneath) I was told to wait in Heather’s room as they prepped her for surgery. Heather’s parents soon arrived and I filled them in on what was happening before the nurse came to get me.

In the delivery room Heather was lying on her back facing away from me. I could see her feet all the way up to her neck, but not her head which was hidden behind a blue curtain. The nurse took me around the curtain and directed me to sit on a stool next to Heather’s head. I did so and took Heather’s hand. Soon our obstetrician and another doctor went to work, but all Heather and I could see was the curtain. From time to time I would sit up as tall as possible and get a peek at the doctors who were busy looking downward and moving their hands to and fro. Eventually a doctor said. “Looks like a baby!” and I stood up. That was an, uh, mistake. There was no baby in sight, but I did spy a gaping hole in Heather’s stomach area. When I sat back down on the stool Heather looked at me like, “How’s it look?” I forced a feeble thumbs-up.

I stayed on the stool from that point on, and in a couple of minutes one of the doctors said “Here we go!” I sat up as tall as possible once again and saw our obstetrician leaning over Heather. She seemed to be putting some real muscle into it, and it was a bit disconcerting to see her looking as if she was struggling to open an especially tight bottle of peanut butter. Seconds later, however, we heard a baby crying! Heather and I were ecstatic that Madeline was able to use her lungs because our greatest fear, what with her being premature and lacking in amniotic fluid (the thing that develops a baby’s lungs), was that her lungs would be too immature for her to survive. But here she was crying! Heather and I shared a thankful look, and tears of joy welled in Heather’s eyes as she said “She’s crying! She’s crying!”

Soon little Madeline was hoisted in the air, and the first thing I saw was that she had this shock of black hair just like mine!

My beautiful Madeline!

I had never really stopped to imagine what our baby would look like when she came out, and now that I was looking at her it was this amazing confirmation that this baby we had been talking about in the abstract for so long was in fact my own daughter! The nurses placed her on a table, and I took stock of the rest of her. Let’s see…two hands…two feet…a cute little face…all looks good! I then fumbled in my scrubs for Heather’s camera as a nurse announced her weight: “Three pounds one ounce!” She was way bigger than the doctors had imagined she would be, which was heartening, and I took photo after photo of Madeline as the nurses cleaned her.

Before too long Madeline was wrapped up in a blanket and the nurses were ready to take her to the NICU. Heather and I had been told that if Maddie was stable enough they would let Heather see her real quick before taking her away, so when a nurse took Maddie over to Heather I felt great knowing that Maddie was indeed stable enough for her first visit with her Mom. Heather kissed Maddie on the little hat the nurses had put on her, and Heather was glowing. It was a beautiful thing to see Maddie and her mother’s first moment together.

In the NICU I was told I could stay with Maddie for ten minutes and watch the nurses tend to her. In that time I got even more pics including her first close-up, and, when the nurses told me the ten minutes were up, Maddie was a healthy pink color and still crying away. The nurses seemed real casual as they said I could come back in a couple hours, at 6:30, to see her again.

To be continued in PART TWO when Maddie takes a turn for the worse.

26
Jun

My Wife Is Da Bomb, Yo!!!!

Today is my wonderful wife’s 29th birthday. Her last year has been very hard as those of you who follow her blog know, and yet she always continues to be the beacon of sunshine in this pessimists’ life. I admire her so much for how she always chooses to love people no matter what. Even when I am like, “Babe, he/she is a moron!” she will scrunch up her nose and explain to me how that person has value, and you know what? She is always right.

In order to honor Heather upon entering her final year of youth (’cause yeah, it’s all down hill after thirty…I know from experience) I thought I’d make a list of but a few of the reasons why I love her. Feel free to add some in the comments section if you like, but here are mine:

After I feed Maddie in the middle of the night she always says, “I love you,” as I get back under the sheets.

She can do a funny dance that never fails to make me crack a smile.

She is the cutest woman I have ever seen…and other things too.

She is a really good singer.

Sometimes she will sing one of the songs I’ve written as she gets ready in the morning and it makes me really happy.

She changes her hair a lot, but I always think it looks awesome no matter what.

She was the prettiest bride of all time.

She checked out of the hospital against doctors orders to see Maddie when we were told our daughter wasn’t going to make it. Watching her come off the elevator and lead me into the NICU that day was the closest I have ever come to living within a “movie” scene.

She understands baseball.

She likes baseball!

When she comes home and I am watching a Giants’ game she never makes me turn it off until it is over. This may be two hours of waiting even, and when some random dude like Brian Horwitz hits a homer she will smile and say something factual like, “Wow. He just got called up, didn’t he?” even if she doesn’t give a schizzat. (NOTE: Ladies, take notice of this one! This one is very appreciated!)

If there is something I want to do that she REALLY doesn’t want to do, she will organize a day where I can go do this thing.

I am half Portuguese, and once when I visited her in New York (where she used to live) she took me to a Portuguese restaurant to eat the kind of food I hadn’t had for the twenty years since my grandparents passed.

She has truly beautiful eyes that I am so stoked she has passed on to Maddie.

She loves her friends so much she would do anything for them. This amazes me and impresses me. It’s like that Australian joke where a couple guys are out in the bush and one gets bit by a snake on his weiner while peeing. The other friend races to town where the doc tells him that the only way his friend will survive is if he sucks the venom out of his friend’s penis. Upon returning to his friend his friend asks, “What did the doctor say?” The first guy responds, “Sorry, mate. He says you’re going to die.” Dudes laugh at that joke. Heather, however, would suck out the venom. Heather is a great friend. Note to Heather…if it was one of your girfriends who got bit on the chaach you can save her and tell me about it later. If it was a dude…please let him die.

She always looks to me before making a decision…not in a creepy 1950s patriarchal way, but in a “I love my my husband and respect him so I will get his opinion” sort of way. This doesn’t mean she always does what I say, in fact she rarely does, but she does listen to my advice first no matter what which is appreciated.

She admires me (and I admire her.)

She has never said a direct insult to me. She will tell me she is disapointed in me, but never directly insult me. To some this may seem unimpressive, but to others this will seem VERY impressive.

She is funny (how did I not get to this earlier?)

There is a friend of a friend who always kept saying she wanted to meet a “good egg.” She’s now engaged, so I hope she has, but I must say, I am married to the definition of a “good egg.” Honestly, she is an amazing person, and I love her.

Happy Birthday, Smokey!

21
Jun

The Other Woman

Dudes don’t go to the doctor and we like it that way. Sure, we may die 5-7 years earlier than women, but at least we don’t waste the best years of our lives sitting in a waiting room next to an old lady with a hacking cough while thumbing through a year old issue of ”Redbook.” There is one species of man who does go to the doctor regularly, however. This species is known as homo matrimonius, or the married man.

Before I swapped “I do’s” with Heather I wasn’t even aware doctors did anything other than put your arm in a sling after you injured it playing basketball. I soon learned differently. Here is one of our first exchanges as newlyweds:

Heather: “You need to go get a physical, Mike.”

Me (not really listening): “You want to get physical? All right!”

Heather: No, Mike. Turn off the baseball game. You need to get a physical at the doctor’s office.”

Me: “That’s not neccesary. I just had one.”

Heather: “Really? When?”

Me: “Before my last year of playing baseball. It was required to be on the team.”

Heather: “You mean your high school team?”

Me: “That’s the one.”

Heather: “You do realize that was like fifteen years ago, right?”

It was then it occurred to me that I had totally walked into having to get a physical. I briefly tried to explain that everything she knows about me isn’t true; that I’m in the Witness Protection Program and the former me, Dougie Blackman of Mississippi, had a physical mere days before witnessing that mob hit, but Heather didn’t buy it. She then said that even if what I was saying was true that would mean I hadn’t had a physical in over five years, and both me and Dougie Blackman of Mississippi were due for one. Game. Set. Match.

The day of my physical Heather told me not to worry as she had recently gone to the same doctor and things went swimmingly.

Heather: “Just don’t forget to have them check for testicular cancer. That’s probably the one thing that guys your age have to worry about the most.”

Me: “You mean besides being forced by their wife to do things they don’t want to?”

Heather: “Yes. Now be good and they might give you a lollipop afterward.”

Me (excited): “Really?”

Heather: “Wow. It really has been a while since you’ve gone to the doctor, hasn’t it?”

Before long I found myself sitting on a couch next to – you guessed it – an old lady with a hacking cough. I looked around for the “Redbook” to read, then winced upon seeing that the old lady with the hacking cough was already reading it. I had to settle for a scintillating brochure on how to avoid teenage acne.

Eventually I was called back and placed in a room to wait…and wait…and wait. After a while I began to read a children’s book to pass the time, but it wasn’t very interesting. I soon sighed and wondered how the brochure on teenage acne ended. Finally, the door started to open and I tossed the children’s book so as not to seem like some Forrest Gump-esque man/child who was in here reading about anthropomorphic bears.

It was then I was surprised to see the doctor wasn’t some balding, phlegmatic old man, but a pretty woman around my own age. My mouth opened in horror as Heather’s words rang in my head:

DON’T FORGET TO HAVE THEM CHECK FOR TESTICULAR CANCER!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong. I, like all men, normally would like the idea of having a pretty woman touch my testicles, but not in a cold doctor’s office with orders to “turn and cough.” In fact, a doctor’s office is pretty much the only place where a man actually prefers to have his testicles touched by an old dude with ear hair instead of a pretty woman.

Once the physical began my mind raced a mile a minute trying to figure out a way to get out of the testicular examination. “Well, doctor,” I thought about saying. “My real name is actually Dougie Blackman and…” Nah. That wouldn’t work. I was screwed.

“Would you like me to, uh, test you for testicular cancer?” the doctor asked in a tone that made it clear she was just as uncomfortable as me.

“My wife wants you too,” I blurted out. The Doctor looked at me strangely. “Great,” I thought. “I just told this lady my wife wants her to touch my balls.” I had to clear this up and fast, so I said, “I mean, yes, if you’ve ever done it before.” I then winced upon realizing that I had not only implied that she was an inexperienced doctor, but had never touched a man’s balls before. She forced a smile and said, “Please lower your pants.”

I awkwardly did as told and stared at the ceiling. I tried to imagine being tortured by the Viet Cong, or a bunch of fat, hairy guys showering, in order to avoid a certain something happening that would make this situation even more awkward.

“Turn your head and cough,” she soon said, and after a few seconds the whole trauma was over. Once home I turned on the shower, huddled in its corner, and clutched my knees while crying.

Later, after Maddie was born, doctors became an even bigger part of my life. I met them by the dozens, and these people, who I had avoided my whole life like the plague, suddenly held my little baby’s life in their hands. It became clear to me very fast that a good doctor was an invaluable thing, and Maddie, thankfully, had a number of good ones who saved her life. Another good doctor, the one who gave me my awkward physical, has since become our family’s physician and has done a great job of keeping Maddie healthy. (SIDE NOTE: Last week I teased Heather that our physician is the only other woman to touch my balls since we got married. Heather replied, “Yeah, like that’s such a treat.” Thanks, honey.)

After all of this I’m no longer so reticent to go to the doctor even if it is sometimes awkward and means I’ll have to read a few ancient “Redbook” magazines. After all, if it buys me 5-7 more years around Maddie, it will all have been worth it.