Basic Training archive at The Newborn Identity

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May

My Sweet Baby

By Mike 127 Comments

Categories: Basic Training

Yesterday I wrote a song about Maddie and recorded a one track demo of it.

My Sweet Baby

If I were older
Your head on my shoulder
Then I wouldn’t be so blue

And if I were younger
‘Fore you were put under
I would just kiss and kiss on you

But now, now I am broken
This world has spoken
It took you away

Now, now I am broken
My one golden token
Has been taken away

My sweet baby

And if I were dead
And we met overhead
I would never let you go

But now, now I am broken
This world has spoken
It took you away

Now, now I am broken
My one golden token
Has been taken away

My sweet baby

My sweet baby
My sweet baby
My sweet baby…

May

One Month

By Mike 147 Comments

Categories: Basic Training

Tomorrow is one month since Maddie passed away. It is still as inexplicable and impossible to comprehend as it was four weeks ago, but I have learned to hide my grieving in ways I couldn’t initially. I can hold conversations, smile ocassionally, even tell a joke or two, but it is just a facade. The only difference between now and four weeks ago is that I am learning to hide my pain. I now can grieve like a ninja. If one isn’t paying attention they may not even notice.

I try to distract myself and sometimes succeed in doing so. For twenty minutes or so I can lose myself in a book or the like, but then, all of a sudden, the realization washes over me like a kick to the head. “Oh my God,” I think. “My daughter is dead. My baby is dead.” Images flash in my head…Maddie smiling and alive…then lifeless in the hospital…and I have to fight not to throw up.

People tell Heather and me to lean on each other, which we do, but it is hard. Often I will be in a place when I am okay for a few minutes but Heather is not. To comfort her I have to go to her dark place. The same goes for Heather. For her to comfort me when I am hurting she has to leave any peace she has found at that moment. We will continue to lean on each other, but it isn’t always easy as people may imagine.

This last weekend Heather and I went to San Francisco to support one of our best friends at a walk for Brain Cancer. On Sunday I stayed in the Bay Area to go to the Giants game with my family while Heather and her parents returned to Los Angeles. After the game the Giants had a promotion where kids twelve and under could go on the field and run the bases. Since my nephew wanted to do it, I waited in the stands for him to head on down to the field and make his way to home plate. For the next twenty minutes I watched as an endless stream of children – one after the other like water from a faucet – run around the bases. I couldn’t help but think how every one of them was so full of life…and there were so many of them. The second one stepped off the field two more stepped onto it. It was hard to watch so many children alive and well when mine is dead and gone.

People have told me that Maddie is in a better place, that she is now with one who can love her more than Heather and I could, but that is easy to say when your child is alive and there for you to love and kiss. Personally I can’t imagine any place better for Maddie than in our arms, or anywhere she could be loved more than here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter. She is gone and nothing will change that.

_MG_9749 by The Spohrs Are Multiplying....

Oct

PUPPY VS. BABY!!!

By Mike 19 Comments

Categories: Basic Training

Seeing my nephews last week got me thinking about the days before Madeline, and how, back then, I really didn’t see the difference between being the parent of a baby or the owner of a puppy.

In my then child-less mind I totally thought Rigby was the equal of my nephew Spencer in every way. This, as you can imagine, greatly upset people.

You could, however, understand my line of thinking in a twisted way. Rigby and Spencer were born on the exact same day, December 4th, and both had bitches for mothers. (Just kidding, Monica! Zinger!) Since they were born on the same day, I was apt to compare Rigby to Spencer. As a result the following scenes happened way too many times:

SCENE #1

SISTER: “Guess what everyone? Spencer started crawling!”

ME: “Crawling? Phooey. Rigby has been able to walk since THE DAY SHE WAS BORN!!! She was probably crawling in the womb!”

SCENE #2

SISTER: “Guess what everyone! Some lady at the mall told me Spencer was the cutest baby she’s ever seen.”

ME: “Just one lady? When I took Rigby on a walk today I had eight people go apeshit over Rigby. EIGHT!”

SCENE #3

SISTER: “Isn’t Spencer’s outfit adorable!”

ME: “Adorable? No. Adorable is Rigby in a T-shirt that reads: “SCREW LASSIE! I’M THE WORLD’S COOLEST PUP!!! ”

SCENE #4

SISTER: “Spencer started holding things today! I handed him a block and he held it! Isn’t that amazing?”

ME: “Not really. Now if you threw that block and Spencer brought it back to you we could talk. ‘Cause Rigby? She does that. All the time!”

SCENE 5

SISTER: “Spencer cries SOOOO loud. On my God he wakes me up in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep with his crying!”

ME: “Yeah, I’ve heard him and he’s not that loud. Now when Rigby barks people in China wake up!!!”

Finally, after enough of this kind of talk my sister finally screamed, “CAN YOU PLEASE STOP COMPARING MY BABY TO YOUR FREAKING DOG?!?!?!?

At the time I was offended. Now that I have a child of my own, however, I realize comparing the developmental skills of a dog to a baby isn’t really cool.

But you know what?

Dog or not I’m still in awe of my amazing little pup.