The Newborn Identity

I have always been a bit of a worry wort. The other day, for example, I saw a man walking his dog without a leash and immediately felt sick. What if the dog took off into the street and got hit by a car? Or suddenly was attacked by a bigger dog? The owner, I’m sure, would tell me to relax, but even a well trained dog can get startled or run into some bad luck. This is why I make sure Rigby – an admittedly not so perfectly trained dog — always wears a leash in public no matter how safe her surroundings may seem. This amuses Heather, but I don’t care. I don’t want anything to happen to my pup.

I was the same way with Madeline. Often I carried her around in a baby bjorn which was something she loved because it gave her the opportunity to see the world from a higher perspective. No matter how secure she may have seemed in the bjorn, however, I always kept one hand on the front of it. I was worried that a strap might break and little Maddie would go tumbling to the ground. The odds of this happening were very small, I realized, but I was worried nonetheless. It didn’t matter how many dudes with babies in bjorns I saw at ball games jawing on their cell with one hand and drinking a beer with the other – I always secured Maddie with one hand when she was in the bjorn.

Another time the worry wort in me came out was when we took Maddie on her first airplane ride to Arizona for a weekend getaway to see some spring training baseball. I had Maddie on my lap as we took off, and soon it dawned on me that if we hit some bad turbulence she might go flying up to the ceiling. Despite being exhausted from a long work week, I fought the urge to nod off and wrapped my arms around Maddie. I held her safe and sound until we touched down on the ground an hour or so later.

Sadly, no matter how much we worry about our loved ones or fight to keep them safe, we can only control so much. Our worlds can be turned upside down at any moment. As Maddie’s dad I wanted nothing more than to keep her safe, but it was out of my control. I stood fifteen feet away from my little girl as she fought for her life and there was nothing I could do to save her.

We want to think we have the power to keep our loved ones – our children – safe, but we don’t. Not entirely. There is so much beyond our control. With this said it is easy to understand people who don’t love with all their hearts, because the more you love the more you open yourself up to pain. I can’t live that way though, and if you care enough to come here and read this you probably can’t either.

Scary, huh?

I don’t have any great wisdom about how we can deal with living and loving in a world that can be so cruel. I wish I did.

Hi Everyone,

A great many people expressed worry and concern for me since reading Heather’s post, “Pieces,” so I decided to write a quick explanation of what happened to me.

Last Thursday I went back to work for the first time since Maddie passed. In the back of my mind I feared it was too soon, but I had heard about people in similar situations who had gone back to work after four or five weeks so I thought I could to. Also my company, boss, and co-workers have been so amazing and would (and did indeed) try to welcome me back as kindly as possible. Unfortunately, on the drive over I was gripped by anxiety and couldn’t stop thinking about Maddie.

Upon arriving at my job (forty-five minutes from our home) I was a weeping mess. I looked up at my building and couldn’t summon the strength to go in, so I called my Dad. I spoke with him on the phone for close to two hours until my cell phone died. I considered driving home right then, but instead went inside.

After about an hour of work I went to lunch with some co-workers and made the stupid decision to have a couple margaritas. This only plummeted me into a deeper depression, so after lunch I told everyone I was going to go home. The forty-five minute drive home was terrible and my mood spiraled lower and lower. I’m sure other drivers were weirded out to see me screaming, weeping, and punching the dashboard.

Once at home I made another stupid decision – to continue drinking. Soon I had ingested way more rum than any human ever should. Unnerved by what I’d done, I called my parent’s and asked them to come over. Upon arriving they found me in a terrible state, and shortly thereafter, when Heather and her Mom returned from running errands, the four of them decided it would be best to take me to the emergency room.

I don’t remember much that happened at the emergency room, but apparently I told numerous doctors and nurses that I wanted to die. That folks, is something you should NEVER DO in public. Trust me on this. In my case it got me transferred upstairs to the psychiatric ward where, for the next five days, I had to eat steak with a plastic spoon, shave with the bathroom door open and a nurse standing guard, and to live in close quarters with an assortment of the saddest, most mentally ill people you could ever imagine.

The hardest thing was that, in order to be discharged, I had to prove to doctors and nurses that I wasn’t a threat to myself or others, and every minute there I was judged on my sanity. The nurses wrote down how I interacted with my fellow patients, how much of the food I ate, what I said in group meetings, you name it. Often I couldn’t help but cry when I thought of Madeline, but I quickly wiped my tears in fear that this might make the nurses or doctors think I truly was suicidal. It was frightening. I started to think of movies like “Girl, Interrupted” where the main character gets locked away far longer than they deserve to be, but nothing they can say or do can convince the powers that be to let them go.

In the end I was finally let out today. It was a harrowing ordeal and I am very glad to be home, but I am trying to focus on the positive aspects of all of this. I participated in a number of therapy groups – some that helped me discuss my grief in ways I hadn’t before, and others that taught me how drinking isn’t a healthy way to address Maddie’s death.

Starting today I am going to focus on doing absolutely everything I can to put my life together and figure out how Heather and I can make a life for ourselves after our sweet Maddie’s passing.

~Mike